Withdrawn, anxious, agitated — that’s not how most of us want to see our loved ones, but it’s a common reality for people with dementia. It can be difficult to enjoy time together when you’re not sure how to calm their nerves or engage in a meaningful way. How do you connect when there’s so much they can’t remember?
Five memory care experts share the dos and don’ts to enjoy meaningful visits when you have a loved one in memory care. Here are their top dementia communication and visit tips.
[READ: Music Therapy and Dementia]
1. Bring Conversation Starters
Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say during a memory care visit, especially when your loved one doesn’t remember the things you talk about.
“The biggest mistake I see is when family members want so desperately for their loved one to remember something that they can’t,” says Chris Shelley, Memory Care Director at 10 Wilmington Place in Dayton, Ohio.
“We often call this interrogation because the family member continues to repeat, ‘You know what that is, mom. Remember?’ or ‘Come on, dad. Remember how you used to go camping there every year?’ ” These questions can cause people with dementia to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious or agitated.
For a more meaningful connection, Shelley recommends bringing special objects that serve as conversation starters.
Consider bringing the following to your next visit:
— Photos
— Vacation mementos and souvenirs
— Awards or trophies
— Items related to a past job or hobby
— Favorite magazines
— Knick-knacks from around the house
Let your loved one investigate each item. It may spark a memory or trigger an opinion, opening the door for conversation. Because some dementias, like Alzheimer’s disease, affect short-term memory first, you may have better luck bringing up older items.
[Read: Assisted Living vs. Memory Care: The Key Differences]
[Read: When the Partners of Alzheimer’s Patients Seek Other Companionship]
2. Listen to Music Together
Listening to music may be one of the best ways to connect with your loved one during a memory care visit.
According to a study published in Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, familiar music tends to trigger particularly “vivid, highly detailed” memories that can “spark immediate emotional reactions” in people with dementia. Your loved one’s favorite tunes may also soothe dementia-related anxiety, agitation and depression.
For Carol McKinley, president and CEO of Simpson Senior Living, music is one of the many ways she’s maintained a meaningful connection with her mother through each stage of dementia.
“I’ve played guitar since I was a young girl, and I often bring my guitar to sing familiar songs. Sometimes she relates, and we can start a conversation about the song. Other times she just listens, and I think it soothes her.”
Mallory Grivner, a licensed clinical social worker in Pennsylvania, explains why music can be so powerful in memory care: “Music is stored in the brain differently than verbal language, so individuals can sometimes recall music more easily than language.”
Grivner says some of her non-verbal patients began singing along to songs after starting music therapy. “It’s very moving.”
To connect with your loved one through music, try the following:
— Create a playlist of their favorite songs and play it during your visit.
— Include popular music from their youth if you don’t know their favorites.
— Play soundtracks from their favorite movies.
— Bring a musical instrument they used to play, or play an instrument yourself.
— Sing songs to them.
[READ: Senior Living Benefits: Thriving in a Community After an Alzheimer’s Diagnosis]
3. Share a meal
Like music, food has a way of triggering deep-seated memories. A favorite breakfast item may stir up happy memories from childhood, while certain herbs or spices may remind someone of festive holiday gatherings. You might spark conversation and lift your loved one’s mood by bringing food that symbolizes their life and love.
But, as McKinley discovered, mealtimes don’t have to be elaborate to be meaningful. “We sometimes talk about the food itself, like how it tastes or looks. Or we might move on to memories of meals. Our visits are meaningful when we take these moments as cues for what to talk about.”
Before you bring food as a gift, touch base with the care team. Dementia can change the way people chew, swallow and respond to hunger and thirst signals. They may need to be on a special diet.
Sometimes a person’s sense of taste also changes with dementia. Foods they previously loved might seem bland, and foods they used to hate might seem appetizing.
To make the most of shared mealtime, keep the following in mind:
— Try bringing warm, freshly-made food so it stimulates a person’s sense of smell.
— Don’t bring a particular food if it might be associated with a bad memory.
— Have a little fun and bring two versions of the same thing for a taste-test.
— Eat food with them, as they may eat more by copying you.
— Cut food into small pieces before serving.
[READ Memory Care Dining: How Facilities Adapt Meals for Dementia]
4. Try a Simple Craft or Activity
Doing an activity together can be a great way to enjoy each other’s company. Use your loved one’s hobbies as a starting point or try new things to see what sparks their interest.
Try to keep it simple. Fine motor skills deteriorate as dementia progresses, so complex tasks can feel overwhelming or frustrating.
Some ideas include:
— Finger painting
— Stamping
— Folding colorful paper
— Stringing large beads onto a sturdy rope
— Molding clay
— Rolling and cutting dough or clay
— Sifting sand to find hidden treasures
— Planting flowers in pots
— Watering plants
— Rolling balls across the table
— Reading out loud to your loved one
If you’re stumped on what to do, talk to the recreational therapist on staff. They focus on improving mobility, slowing cognitive decline and reducing agitation through play, and they’ll be more than happy to suggest some creative and meaningful activities.
Sallie Carlin, director of Memory Care at United Hebrew, says her team once suggested bringing in a resident’s raised garden beds so she could continue her lifelong hobby. The family agreed, helped set up the beds and actively gardened with her during visits.
“She began reminiscing about past gardening experiences, smiling, laughing and socializing throughout the activity,” Carlin says. The previously quiet, withdrawn and agitated woman “became more responsive and noticeably engaged during family visits.”
[READ: Therapeutic Lying to Comfort a Loved One With Dementia]
5. Offer a Sensory Gift
A proven technique for calming the mind and body involves focusing on what we can see, touch, taste, hear and smell. If your loved one seems anxious or upset during your visits, you might offer a gift that engages the senses in a soothing way.
Some ideas include:
— Sight: Magazines, picture books, art books, old photographs or family videos
— Sound: Music, ocean waves, birdsong or voice messages from loved ones
— Touch: Soft fabric, plush toys, silicone fidget toys or a therapy animal
— Smell: Fresh flowers, lightly scented fabric, lotion or aftershave
— Taste: Frozen yogurt, fresh fruit or warm tea
Thompson also recommends talking about the five senses to avoid asking, “Do you remember?”
“We need to decrease the complexity of the interaction and make sure we’re not putting unnecessary strain on short-term memory,” she says. “Focusing on the five senses allows us to stay in the moment and talk about things that are currently happening now.”
— Sit outside and talk about what you see and hear.
— Brush your loved one’s hair, gently rub their back or hold their hand to stimulate their sense of touch.
— Rub a pleasant-smelling lotion on their hands and offer a small snack.
— Bring their attention to each sensation by talking about it.
[READ: A Guide to Visiting a Nursing Home: Tips for Meaningful Connection]
6. Be Prepared to Sit Quietly
Sometimes less is more with memory care.
“Family members often feel they need to fill every moment with conversation,” says Carlin. “For someone living with dementia, too much stimulation, whether it’s noise, activity or conversation, can increase confusion and anxiety.”
This might mean:
— Taking your loved one to a quieter space to let them rest.
— Bringing a book to read while you sit next to your loved one and hold their hand.
— Doing paperwork or answering emails in the same room as your loved one.
— Going for a quiet stroll together.
Now that McKinley’s mother is in the later stages of dementia, she can’t do crafts or activities. But meaningful moments can still be found in stillness. “Sometimes I just sit quietly while she rests her eyes. She knows I’m there, but there’s no discussion.”
Your presence matters, even if you don’t have time to plan an activity or bring a gift.
“Visits provide an emotional connection,” says Shelley. “Even when it gets to where a resident might not remember family members’ names, they can often still sense the familiarity.”
People with dementia need time to think and respond. If you bring a lot of energy to each visit, it may be time to slow down and lean into the silence.
McKinley adds, “I would remind others (and myself) to speak slowly and distinctly, and to allow at least 90 seconds for a response.”
More Expert Tips for Fostering Connection
Going in with the right mindset can make memory care visits less stressful and more meaningful. Here are three bonus tips from our contributing experts.
Understand the goal
When you visit someone with dementia, don’t focus on quizzing them about what they remember. This can be stressful for both of you. Instead, think about sharing your love and creating a positive emotional experience.
“Dementia affects memory, but the feelings associated with an interaction often remain,” says Carlin. “A warm smile, holding a hand, sharing a laugh or simply sitting quietly together can be incredibly meaningful.”
Respect their reality
A person with dementia may genuinely believe they’re living in the past. They might talk as if their parents are still alive or their oldest child just started high school.
These statements can surprise loved ones, and it’s natural to want to correct them. But doing so typically causes confusion, pain or anger.
Instead, memory care leaders say it’s best to go with the flow, an approach sometimes referred to as therapeutic lying.
“Remember that you are entering their world. They don’t have the cognitive abilities to process reality,” says Grivner. “So, if your loved one believes it is 1983 and they are in the office doing work, go with it!”
Aim for short, frequent visits
Lengthy visits can be overstimulating. Instead of planning one big, action-packed day, try the following:
— Stop by more often but keep visits short.
— Allow your loved one to rest alone during a longer visit.
— Leave when your loved one is ready for a break.
“Signs that a visit may be reaching its natural end include restlessness, irritability, fidgeting, fatigue or repeatedly asking to go home,” says Carlin. “A gentle goodbye is often better than overstaying.”
Frequently Asked Questions
What should you not say to someone in memory care?
When visiting a loved one with dementia, avoid asking testing questions like “Do you remember?” or “Don’t you know who I am?” Memory care experts refer to this as “interrogation.” Because short-term memory is often the first to deteriorate, putting someone on the spot can make them feel defensive, frustrated, and deeply anxious.
Instead of quizzing their memory, pivot to affirmative statements. For example, change “Do you remember our vacation at the beach?” to “I remember when we took that wonderful beach vacation.” This allows them to participate in the conversation without feeling like they are failing a test.
How do you start a conversation with a loved one who has dementia?
The best way to spark a conversation during a memory care visit is to bypass complex verbal cues and use physical or sensory prompts. Experts recommend bringing tangible conversation starters that your loved one can hold and investigate:
— Familiar items: Old photographs, vacation mementos and family videos
— Hobby-related objects: Tools or trinkets related to a past job, favorite magazines or awards
— Sensory gifts: Scented lotions, fresh flowers or snacks with a strong aroma
Focusing on the five senses allows you to lean into the current moment and talk about what is happening right now, eliminating cognitive strain.
3. How long should a memory care visit last?
Aim for short, frequent visits rather than a single lengthy, action-packed day. Extended visits often become overstimulating for individuals with cognitive decline, driving up confusion and fatigue.
Keep an eye out for signs that the visit has reached its natural end:
— Restlessness, pacing, or fidgeting
— Irritability or sudden mood shifts
— Repeatedly asking to go home or to their room
When you notice these behaviors, it is best to wrap up with a gentle, loving goodbye rather than trying to extend the stay.
4. How do you respond when a dementia patient is living in the past?
When a loved one genuinely believes they are living in a different era, such as speaking as if their deceased parents are still alive, do not try to correct or argue with them. Attempting to force them into current reality typically causes intense emotional pain, confusion, or anger.
Instead, meet them where they are using an approach called therapeutic lying. Step completely into their world. If they firmly believe it is 1983 and they are waiting to go to work, validate their reality. Reassure them, go with the flow and focus on maintaining a safe, positive emotional environment.
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6 Meaningful Ways to Connect During Memory Care Visits
