China’s falling birth rate meets a #boysober dating revolution

When Beijing university student Maman, a fan of K-pop and anime, became tired of not finding a compatible man to date, she decided to hire a “cosplay boyfriend”.

First, the 22-year-old searched online for cosplay actors who offer companionship services.

The date was simple: they spent the afternoon drawing together, taking quirky photos around the city, and joking about their favourite characters.

“Virtual reality dating, and cosplay dating has helped women increase their self-awareness and allows a deeper understanding of what they want in relationships,” Maman said.

Cosplay (short for “costume play”) is a kind of performance art where people dress up as characters from anime, computer games and other pop culture.

Maman’s cosplay boyfriend was dressed as Osborn, the talented race car driver from the mobile game Light and Night who sports jet black hair and smouldering looks.

For Maman, who declined to give her full name, the date was not a mere escape; it was a refreshing break from transactional, often demeaning, dating app culture.

She’s part of a new generation of heterosexual women in China embracing the TikTok #boysober trend — no dating apps, no situationships, just self-care and staying single by choice.

Xuanzi, a follower of the “boy sober” movement from the port city of Dalian, said she had grown tired of online dating that often felt like a series of check-boxes and so opted to hire a cosplay boyfriend for a day too.

From ‘leftover women’ to redefining single-hood

In China — where those who don’t marry before 30 risk being called “leftover women” — the boy sober movement is largely a rejection of societal pressure to marry by a certain age.

That pressure has stepped up even more so as the birth rate has plummeted — with the country’s population falling for a third consecutive year in 2024.

The government has loosened the one-child policy, instituted a 30-day cooling off period for divorces, and even suggested at the National People’s Congress plenary meeting to allow people a week off “to enjoy love”.

But for many women, these measures feel like token gestures, designed to curb demographic decline without addressing the deeper societal issues.

Pan Wang, a sociologist in Chinese studies at the University of New South Wales, said the boy sober movement was largely limited to feminists in urban areas.

“Women are rejecting marriage because of the unequal distribution of domestic work, male chauvinism, and intense social pressure,” she said.

The expectation to care for two families due to China’s aging population also places a heavy burden on women, she added.

“There is a trending phrase on Weibo, 戒断男性专注自身# — ‘Detox from boys and focus on yourself,'” Xuanzi said.

At one point, the hashtag had around 320 million views on the social media platform, she said, showing that “young women are having a collective awakening”.

The hashtag is blocked on Weibo and RedNote but the discussion remains in some posts.

Maman said experiencing gender inequality in relationships was one of the driving forces behind her decision to hire a cosplay boyfriend.

“In my past relationships, I often encountered young men who displayed very obvious patriarchal traits,” she said.

“They either placed too much emphasis on family expectations, or saw women as nothing more than objects of pleasure. It was a binary I didn’t want to be a part of.”

Emotional fatigue from dating apps

Marriages in China plunged by a record amount last year, falling by a fifth to just 6.1 million — less than half the number that got married in 2013.

The high cost of childcare and education has been blamed, along with economic uncertainty.

About 42 per cent of China’s youth were not looking for a relationship, according to the Chinese Academy of Sciences’ 2022 Report on the Mental Health of College Students.

Of the 80,000 surveyed, 41.93 per cent were single and wanted to stay single, 27.61 per cent were in relationships, and 25.40 per cent were single but seeking a relationship, while the remainder did not answer.

Websites and mobile apps, which have largely replaced traditional marriage markets, were supposed to make dating easier.

But, as in the West, many Chinese young people have also become disillusioned with meeting people online.

“But the reality is that many men haven’t evolved with the expectations of gender equality.”

Rather than facilitating genuine connection, the apps have been critiqued for turning dating into a commodified experience — resembling a game where swiping right has replaced meaningful interactions.

“Dating apps have made it ‘fast-food love’, swiping left or fight to get more and more people but it has also led to the counter-trend, more people like me,” Xuanzi said.

In a world of seemingly endless matches, it was easy to fall into the trap of “networked loneliness”, said Hao Xu, from the University of Melbourne, noting the abundance of choice leading to fatigue and dissatisfaction.

“This abundance of choice creates superficial interactions, where individuals are treated as commodities rather than potential partners.”

What’s more, online dating has begun to replicate real-world inequalities.

On dating platforms like Qingteng Love, users must now verify their degrees.

Some users say this kind of filtering makes dating feel more like job recruitment than emotional connection.

“Dating apps have become more exclusive,” said University of Technology Sydney sociologist Tingting Liu.

“People don’t talk about class and instead use income — apartment ownership, car ownership and education,” she explained.

Embracing experimental dating and rejecting misogyny

It’s against this backdrop that many young women are embracing alternative forms of companionship.

It’s not just cosplay boyfriends — others are delving into virtual realms, experimenting with AI boyfriends or video game-based interactions.

Maman said many women preferred to go on cosplay dates with female actors dressing as male anime characters.

“It’s because we feel safer if we know other women,” she said.

“Some of them even look more like the characters.”

Lexie Chang, who has been working as a cosplay actor for a year, charges about $75 a day.

Her clients — mostly professional women and university students aged 17 to 30 — wanted emotional care, not romance, she said.

“I listen, offer comfort and hugs, I focus on their emotions like a therapist,” said Ms Chang.

“While there are some clients who choose this service due to loneliness, they represent a small minority.

“As society changes, more women are focused on self-realisation rather than traditional roles like marriage or childbirth.”

Rui, a 29-year-old cosplay actor from Beijing, said she herself has given up on dating.

“I focus more on friendships now. Not sexuality, but sociality.”

Unwillingness to compromise

“When women realise men can’t meet the standards of a gender-equal relationship, they stop trying,” said Ying, a student from Zhuhai.

“The pressure to date, even from a young age, just becomes too much.”

Leta Hong Fincher, the author of Leftover Women about the growing gender inequality in China, said movements like boy sober represented the growing feminist consciousness.

“Fewer women are willing to make major compromises,” she said.

“They’re finding more support in their friendships and choosing to remain single until — or unless — someone truly fits.”

China’s falling birth rate meets a #boysober dating revolution